Look at these awful men
We idolised them? The dirtiest pigs in the pen?
Chris Brown? R Kelly? Rolf Harris?
I’d better go sort this shit out forever, amen (AMEN)
I’ll defeat this beast. Deplete the creeps
And start fresh with a clean sheet
No new free toys for the yew tree boys
Just (CLICK) select all and hit delete

There’s too much so we should downsize
And I know just where to put these guys

In the bin, in the bin
Let the cancelling begin
All the nonces and the ponces
Bag them up and throw them in
Mr Savile! Sorry, Jim
It seems there’s no room at the inn
There’s no spaces on our spaceship
But we’ve saved you all a place here in the bin

Right! Let’s do some clearing out
Let’s give the world something to cheer about
Cos when I look here I sincerely doubt
We’re gonna miss these pricks so hear me out
Katie Hopkins. Do we need her? No!
Dorries? Sorry! Nadine’s gotta go
She can find solace with Boris and co
Help him get all of that coke off his nose

I’ll help the people of earth go free
But if they do not agree with me

Get in the bin, in the bin
Let the cancelling begin
All those angry little weirdos
Bag them up and throw them in
There’s no Karenns, twits and Terfs
Plus no gammons, twats and berks
So sorry Piers! Sorry Eamon!
There’s a seat here with your name on in the bin

“What gives you the right?”
The fact that I can, little man. I can do what I like
And I like this game, it’s fun
I’ve had a little taste of power and mmmm YUM!
So why stop here? I got the ability
To send all my enemies straight to the guillotine
Anyone who ever made me feel grim
Well it’s payback time, gonna put you in the bin.

This is so liberating! Mum was right! Do you guys want to have a go?
When I say a name, and you want to put them in there, just shout out ‘in the bin’
Are you ready? Of course you are.

Nigel Farage! (In The Bin)
Prince Andrew (In The Bin)
Skeletor (In The Bin)
Dill! (In The Bin)
Adolf Hitler (In The Bin)
Michael Palin (in the Bin)

SFX: RECORD SCRATCH

JESS: Michael Palin? Were you even listening? That was a test and you failed! You’ve obviously gone mad with power.

MUSIC back in.

In the bin, in the bin
Time for Jess to finally win
Those who mocked me, those who crossed me
Bag them up and throw them in
Like Jamie Mansell in year 8
Who said he’d kiss me if I lost weight
Cos he couldn’t face his mates
With me so keen on clearing plates
So I did! I got thin
Alright dysmorphia, you win
I shed all that excess skin
But when I tried to get with him
He said “Sorry skinny, big bums are in
And plus I miss the double chin”
Well Jamie Mansell, now you’re cancelled
So go fuck your fucking self right in the bin
In the bin, in the bin
Let the cancelling begin
All of U2? Fuck it, you too!
Bag them up and throw them in
Goodbye all those total nobs
God I bloody love this job!
See you later, masturbators
I hope you all enjoy your stay there in the bin